Some days I didn't want them around, feelings I was too ashamed to admit having. Standing outside their room at night, I would hear them talking: "Escape. Was it that horrible here? What was I doing wrong when I was trying so hard to make everything right? I was trying so hard to fill that void in their vulnerable hearts. I was shocked to discover how much they didn't like me. My husband would take me in his arms and promise me it was all going to be okay.
Just keep doing what you're doing, he would say. It will all fall into place. Then of course, there was my own daughter to consider. And it was through her that we finally became a family. Overnight, she had brother and sister. Not a stepbrother or half-sister. Simply a brother and a sister. I had been her mother and now I was their mother. And when people asked if she had any brothers or sisters, she would answer yes, without any qualifying explanation, without any hesitation.
I listened to her explain to strangers how we all fit together because that's just how it was. And it hit me on the head like a stack of falling picture books. I'm doing everything for them, but maybe I just need to like them. Simple as that.
And then it happened. When I stopped trying so hard to please them, when I stopped trying to replace their mother, the everyday motions of life took over.
I really and truly began to love my stepson's silly jokes. I went to a mother-daughter tea with my stepdaughter. We began to fill the photos albums and create memories. The days stacked one on top of the other, like well—worn measuring cups. We began to not only look like a family, but to feel like one, too. To the outside world, we definitely did look like a family. But remember: It's better to have a man with kids than one without kids who flosses his cat's teeth.
Mentioning trips, restaurants and the fun stuff you did the weekend they were with their mom feeds the illusion that your children are getting more. Be clear that there are no favorites and everything is even between both sets of kids. Don't become a parent expecting it, either. While you shouldn't tolerate rudeness, choose your battles carefully.
Kids generally don't have the best manners; they get preoccupied and forego social niceties. Don't be petulant; you're the grown-up. Come to think of it, that's his secondary one as well. Dad is guilty, the ex is angry, the battle is on, and money is the weapon. Stay out of the fight, work out a family budget, and don't discuss finances in front of the children. Your stepchildren are jealous of you. But admit it, you're jealous of them, too.
If you make it a battlefield, this is a battle you'll lose. Corollary : "Wake me when it's over. Just because you fell in love with their father doesn't mean you will automatically love his children. I came into the relationship with my partner without children of my own, which I think has made the adjustment a little more difficult than had I come with kids in tow. My partner's kids have a great mum who is very involved in their lives and loves them very much so I think the whole "finding my place" thing has also been a big issue for me.
One family counsellor I've spoken to about my situation says it's perhaps the actual term "stepmother" that I'm struggling with. You can think of yourself as more of a mentor, someone who is there to help guide them but not to be a mother, so-to-speak. A lot of women I've spoken to in similar situations also say it's the expectations of their partner that has caused them to feel less-than-perfect for not wondrously falling into stepmum mode.
At the start my partner did have some super-high expectations of a picture-perfect happy family but I've been lucky that as we've been on this road together he's come to realise that sometimes near enough is good enough, and that I'm doing the very best I can. So my advice to women in my position is to know that while the dynamics in all stepfamilies are different, everything you're feeling — the confusion about where you fit in, how you feel about your partner's children and that guilty craving for a weekend without kiddy commitments — is completely normal and something that thousands of women before and after you will feel.
I'm a stepmother and I admit I don't love my stepchildren. Please try again later. The Sydney Morning Herald. By Michelle Smith Updated August 19, —
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